Close Your Eyes
by Oraine
Summary: Carter helps Jack deal with the aftermath of Abyss. Afterwards, Jack helps Carter deal with a similar experience, following their return to Baals planet & her encounter with the gravity machine as described in'A Matter of Honour & Cost of Honour'
1. Chapter 1

Close your Eyes

Darkness swept across the room, engulfing everything in its path, wrapping itself around the lone occupant of the room, claiming the silent figure for its own. The man battled in his sleep, movements betraying a level of emotion that would never have been displayed had he been awake. His hands clawed the air and then his face, as though he could rip away his features and the horrors he witnessed when he looked in the mirror. Sleep was no escape, even when the darkness descended; it was only a precursor to the blinding, devilish light which would inevitably follow. Suddenly, a single beam of light cut through the darkness like a knife, illuminating a pale figure, standing in the doorway, a frown marring her perfect features. As she watched the struggling individual in the gurney, her face contorted; a mask of pain to mirror his. Safely hidden from the eyes of others by the embracing darkness, she moved towards his prone figure, a single glimmer of radiance in the gloom of his surroundings. In his sleep, he instinctively sensed the approach of the light and, flinching, covered his haggard features.

"Please, just leave me, I can't tell you anything." His voice was so small, so lost; she could hardly recognise it as belonging to the man she had known for six years.

She recoiled from that voice, an embodiment of everything he had gone through, unspeakable horrors which she could never begin to understand. Slowly, she reached out a tentative hand to place on his bedside, attempting to transfer strength to him. Without warning, she found herself in a vice like grip, a steely hand wrapped around her throat. She tried to call out, to reach out to him in his semi-conscious state but it was useless. His eyes rolled in his head, every muscle in his body stretched taught. His breath rasped in her ear, hot breath, coming too quickly. She knew that she could flip him, that she may even be able to over power him but there was too great a risk involved, especially when he was not fully aware of his surroundings. He could snap her neck before she had the chance to move a muscle. Yes, she understood his dark side, had seen its vicious head rise above his carefully schooled demeanour on several occasions. Now, all of that fury was channelled in one direction; hers.

"Daniel?" the voice at her ear whispered. Over the deafening noise of her own ragged breath and pounding heart, she was not ever sure that she had heard it but the pressure around her throat began to ease and she used the opportunity to slip away from him.

"Carter?" his voice was hoarse as he brought his shuddering hands to eye level, gaping at them in horror as though they had been drenched in blood. His quivering legs betrayed him and he sank gracelessly to the floor.

"Sir, it's me," she whispered, lowering herself to his level. "I'm sorry that I startled you sir, I just wanted to see how you were doing."

He continued to stare at her in horror, his gaze raking over her features until he noticed the red welt across her neck, a perfect match for his long fingers. He recoiled from her, shuffling backwards, dragging himself with those same hands.

"Sir, it's ok, I'm ok." She quickly reassured him, though she could not keep the quiver from her own voice.

With tentative fingers, he reached out to trace the line of his grip on her pale neck. She closed her eyes, her breath coming in shallower gasps as her body reacted to his presence, his touch, even in this situation.

"I'm so sorry Carter, I thought...." He left the sentence unfinished but the truth crackled in the air between them. Sam knew what he was trying to say: he thought that she was one of the jaffa, coming to take him back to Ba'al's torture chamber. The briefing had been scant in details but Janet's silent horror as she stood looking at his test results confirmed all of their worst fears. They knew that he had been placed repeatedly in the sarcophagus and that he was currently suffering withdrawal effects from that alien technology. Up until this moment, however, Sam had refused to admit the full import of that piece of information. Not only had he been tortured to death, but he had been brought back, time and time again, to suffer the same fate, his soul being slowly eaten away by the evil that the sarcophagus contained. That he was here, coherent and speaking to her, was a miracle beyond her comprehension but they all knew that his road to recovery would be prolonged. She, Teal'c and Jonas had been visiting the infirmary during the day to speak with him and, when they were all around, he was the old Jack O'Neill, but here, in the night, Sam could see the truth. The depths of the darkness in her commanding officer had once terrified her. The first time it had emerged, she was not sure that she had ever known the man who stood beside her: cold, calculating and utterly ruthless. His eyes, usually a warm chocolate brown, were steely and told nothing of the man within, locked away, emotions warring behind closed features.

His eyes now were no longer cold and calculating, but there was a depth of horror in them which would haunt Sam for the rest of her life.

"I know sir. It's my fault for disturbing you. Do you want to get up?" She asked, rising and offering her arm out to him. After a moment's hesitation, he grasped her arm tightly, hauling himself up from the cold floor.

"Thanks Carter." He paused, as though suddenly realising that his second in command had come into his infirmary room, alone, in the middle of the night. When he raised his eyes to meet hers, she saw caution playing across his features. This was one of the lines that should not be crossed, she knew that. She was not supposed to come on her own, only with the rest of the team. An air force Major visiting her commanding officer with the rest of the team: professional, clinical, detached. Three words which perfectly described their outward appearance but spoke nothing of the other, more personal feelings, locked deep within their souls.

"Whatcha doing here, in the middle of the night Carter? Not got any doohickeys to be playing with?" He teased, his forced smile never reaching his eyes.

"Well, I couldn't sleep sir and I was just walking about and I ended up walking, here...." She smiled sheepishly, knowing that her excuse was as transparent to him as it was to her.

"Yasureyabetcha", he replied, retreating from the challenge of questioning her motives. He was a coward; but then, so was she, or she would be doing much more for him that standing in a corner, watching him as his nightmares tore him apart night after night.

"Well, Carter, if you don't mind, I might get some more shut eye. You should too. Hammond was telling me you've all been working yourself to the bone the last few weeks."

"Yes sir, we couldn't......." His sharp look stopped her short, mid sentence. No, she was not allowed to approach the darkness. She edged away from the abyss and forced a smile instead. She had crossed too far already, the lines which separated them already faint and indistinguishable.

"Yes sir, sorry to have disturbed you." She began retreating towards the door and to the small shaft of light which illuminated the doorway. As she reached it, her features once again bathed in blinding light, she stopped, turning once to assure herself that he was, in fact there, that they had brought him home. Not safe, no not safe, but home.

"Sam?" she head the whisper float across the chasm which separated them. "Thanks."

The rustle of the bed sheets echoed in the empty room as he turned his back on her, hiding from her the shame, the terror and the urgent need for comfort that he would not, could not allow her to see. This was his nightmare to struggle through, not hers. He could not allow her to know the depths of the horrors he had been subjected to and, most of all, could not bear for her to see the way he had broken under that pressure. How he had begged Ba'al to kill him, once and for all. How he had begged Daniel; not for enlightenment, no, that was Daniel's thing; he had pleaded for death, to leave this cold, dark world behind. How could she _possibly_ understand that? How could he ask her to? How could he ask anyone to? Daniel had said that he was going to be ok and he was determined that he would be, that the snake head would not win this battle of wills. But ask someone to help him through that? No, he couldn't do that, especially not to Sam.

"You're welcome....Jack," she whispered into the darkness, knowing that he had shut himself away from her and that her words would not reach him now. She knew that he had turned from her and that he would not turn back. Even so, she would be there for him. No matter where he travelled on his dark journey, she would follow him, ready to support him in any way possible. Even if the only way she could do that was to follow his orders, to pretend that none of this had ever happened. That her Colonel was the same as he had always been, his daily facade hiding the scars which now covered his soul.


	2. Chapter 2

Open Your Eyes

The darkness wrapped around him, swirling and ebbing as he moved slowly across the room. The lights had been extinguished long ago and an eerie silence had descended on the base, the last, still break before the storm. He could almost see the storm clouds rolling at the edge of his vision, speeding towards their next victim, reaching out with smoky fingers. They were close, so very close to ensnaring her, pulling her down into the abyss, into the shadows. His soul still hid in those shadows, despite her efforts to bring him into the light. She had done what he had asked; she had played along with his game, never calling his bluff. That was, until their last mission. She had made an emotional decision, based on, what? His mind pulled away from the motives which had kept her silent. She had not told him the details of the mission location and the connection to him. Seeing that place again, reliving those nightmares was almost more than he could bear but there had been something driving him on, pushing him forward: anger. He could not remember a time when he had been more disappointed in her. She knew that, as her commanding officer, he should be apprised of every shred of information she had on a mission. She had hidden those facts from him, and it had led to...this. He looked down at her broken body, the bruises and cuts physical evidence of the torture she had endured. His mind flashed back to finding her, trapped in that web, her fragile, prone form, suspended over the bottomless darkness. His own memories of his time trapped in that web had hit him like a brick to his chest as he had stared, breathless, trying to work out how to release her without killing her. God, if he had touched the wrong device...

"Hm," His breath caught in his throat as she moved, restless in her sleep. A frowned marred her perfect features, as it did when she was struggling with a piece of information or conclusion that was evading her. He knew that this time, however, her frown was evidence of a darker struggle.

"What do you want from me?," she mumbled, her hands beginning to defend against invisible foes. Jack took a deep breath, steeling himself for what was to come. For the last three nights, he had stood here, guarding over her as she fought to free herself from her demons. The same demons that infested his soul were slowly working to destroy her and he was determined that that would not happen.

"What do you want?" she cried, her movements becoming more and more agitated, her body thrashing.

"Sam," he called softly, gently stilling one of her hands as he gathered it into his own.

"Please, I don't know what you want!" She cried, tears running trails down her cheeks.

"Sam," He leaned over her, trying to send her all the strength he could muster. "Sam, open your eyes."

Slowly, the thrashing stopped and her eyes slowly began to flutter open, the blue azure depths glistening with unshed tears.

"Jack," she whispered.

He immediately released her hand, taking a step back and stuffing his hands into his pockets, drawing a barrier between them once more.

"Hey Carter," he smiled down at her, though the smile never reached his eyes.

"You're here?" she asked, astonishment clear in her voice. He looked at the floor, embarrassed that she could even consider that he wouldn't be here, watching over her. He couldn't do much, no; he was allowed to do very little, in fact. But he could watch over her, her guardian in the dark, fighting off the darkness and the demons it carried within. And on a certain level, she knew that. He could see the comprehension in her eyes and knew that she would never, could never acknowledge it.

"I'm sorry sir," she whispered, turning her gaze away from him, shame evident in all her features.

"Why?" Of all the things he expected her to say, this was not one of them.

"I'm sorry for not telling you about the planet."

"Oh", he whispered, glancing around him uncomfortably. He struggled to think of a reply, something to let her know that it was ok but, at the same time, to instil in her the importance of not letting emotions dictate her actions. He started to say something to this effect when he paused, remembering the observation Teal'c had made: that his reaction was as clouded by emotion as her decision had been. Could he admonish her for doing something that he was just as guilty of? He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. There was no easy answer when it came to Carter, there never had been, but lately, it had gotten just that bit more complicated. In their line of work, being ruled by your emotions was a dangerous business, it was one of the reasons the frats regs existed in the first place, and while he and Carter had never crossed that line they had, at times, danced very close to it; perhaps never more so than at that moment. Sighing, he gave the only answer he was permitted to give, the safe answer, the one which would move them away from that very dangerous line.

"I understand why you did it, but you understand that it can't ever happen again? I need to know I can trust you in the field Carter. I need a second in command that I can trust."

He heard a sharp in take of breath, knew that he had wounded her and that he would continue to do so. He had never hated himself more.

"I understand Colonel. I hope I can prove that I am trustworthy and I'm sorry I ever made you doubt me." She whispered, her blue azure depths locked to his. He met that gaze for a moment before forcing himself to turn away. If he didn't, he knew he would never be able to maintain his facade.

"That's ok Carter, everyone makes mistakes," he patted the bed uncomfortably. "Well, I'll leave you in peace, you should try and get more sleep."

"Yes sir, thank you for...being here sir." She finished hesitantly.

He smiled down at her, his goofy smile, the one that let her know that everything was still ok between them.

"Think nothing of it." He smiled before walking quickly away. He moved swiftly through the darkness, heading towards the door. Upon reaching it, he turned, glancing back at the pail, fragile figure on the gurney. A deep anger rose in him, disappointment in himself that he had not been able to protect her. If he had only been told _everything_ about that planet, rather than Daniel and Carter taking it upon themselves to censor the information given to him, he would have done something differently... He blamed himself for what had happened to her and, watching her once more toss in her sleep, he returned to his place in the shadows, watching over her sleep, wondering who the villain of this episode was: the jaffa who had done this to her; or him, for allowing it to happen in the first place.


	3. Chapter 3

**Through Your Eyes**

The wind whispered through the trees, spreading stories, searching for answers. The trees bowed in reply, and birds raised their heads, listening. The lake was still, reflecting the mirage of the surrounding forest in its crystalline surface. A lone figure sat by the lake, his thoughts lost in its depths. His mind drew him deeper into the past, encouraging him to remember and appreciate a thousand different looks, touches and lost opportunities.

"_I broke up with Pete," she said quietly, "I couldn't go through with the wedding."_

_Silence had wrapped around them as Jack searched his mind for the correct response. _

"_Because of your dad," He was not sure himself whether it was a question or a statement_

"_No", she said simply, standing up and walking quietly away from him, joining the rest of the guests at the wake._

His thoughts had not been under his control since. So simple a statement, so many questions still to be answered. The line had never been crossed by either of them, and when she had told him that she was with someone else he had supported her. It wounded him to see her so happy with another man but he was happy for her nonetheless. He had never sought her admiration, never set out to drag her into his complicated life. He had tried keeping a distance, tried being her CO and nothing more, burying his own feelings. What right did he have to take her away from her bright future and descend with her into the depths of his past? He remembered her watching over him after his return from Ba'al's fortress. He remembered only too well. He had tried to hide it from her, protect her from it but he had seen it in her eyes, when she too had been captured: he had failed. She had lived through it all because he had. She had seen everything through his eyes, heard every outcry, stood as silent witness to every nightmare. He understood why she had grasped at the opportunity of a normal life, of a loving partner. He could never blame her for it. She had reached for what he could not give her. He couldn't ask her to wait for him. And now this.

He sagged in his chair, the weight of the last few days weighing heavily on his shoulders. They had won; a hollow victory forged in blood and loss. He had lost a good friend in Jacob, and Sam...Sam had lost her father. Once again, he had watched over her while she sat at his bedside, witnessed the agony which twisted her features. He had watched, because it was all he was able to do, it was all he was ever able to do. That, and 'always'. Whatever had been gained and lost between them, that would never fade. He would be by her side even into the depths of hell if he needed to. As he had done days earlier at Jacob's funeral, standing close but not too close, offering her whatever strength she could take from him, willing to offer her every part of him if it would make a difference. He had invited her up to his cabin, had invited all of them. A chance to retire from the world and ease the pain but she had declined his offer, once more. So he had come alone. So he sat, alone with his thoughts, the fishing pole lying forgotten at his side.

"I thought you might be here," whispered a voice. For a moment, he thought himself lost in his memories, his mind playing tricks on him. But, as he turned, he knew that what stood before him was no illusion.

"I thought you weren't coming," he replied in an even tone.

Sighing, she walked towards him but stopped several feet from him, as though unsure of herself. He could not blame her for that. The last time she had come to see him at home, he had not been alone.

"I needed some time, I needed...", she broke off and he could see tears glistening in her eyes. Selfishly, he silently urged her to finish her sentence.

"You," The wind whipped away the word, tossing and turning it through the air to reach his ears. He stood up, every fibre of his being aching to cross the distance between them.

"You'll always have me, you know that." He answered, uncertainly. She bit her lower lip, something he had observed her doing on many occasions when she was concentrating and a ghost of a smile appeared on his face. She nodded, turning away so that he would not see her tears, but he knew they were there, felt them as though they were his own. Finally, he relinquished control and his legs took him to her side. He reached out to her, his hand barely touching hers.

"C'm here." For a moment she froze and he thought that she would turn from him but he felt her relax into his grip, felt her body move towards his and felt his respond in kind, wrapping his arms around her, trying to communicate in that one gesture all that he couldn't say in words. He heard her sob quietly, felt her body shake beneath his arms and held her tighter, nuzzling his face into her neck and placing a single, chaste kiss there.

He didn't tell her it would be ok, didn't tell her that it had been worth it. Empty words, empty promises. He had tried to say those words to her before and she had rejected them. He might believe in the better good but for Sam, everything was more personal: Personal loses; personal sacrifices; personal gains. After what seemed like an eternity, she withdrew slightly, allowing enough distance to look up at him.

"It's over," she said quietly, her voice low. There was no joy in her tone, only relief that it was finished, that their struggles had been rewarded and that all of the sacrifices had been worthwhile. Jack would normally have agreed but for a moment, just a moment, he gazed at the woman in his arms and considered the true cost of their victory.

"It's over," he returned. "Dad would have been proud of you."

She smiled, a mere shadow of her normal self, but it lit up her face nonetheless. Jack had never loved her more.

"And you."

She held onto him for one moment more before releasing him, and his body felt the loss of her immediately. She took a step forwards, indicating for him to follow and he fell into step beside her as she walked towards his dock.

"I didn't come here before, I didn't know if I trusted myself to. And you never pushed me..." She turned to look at him, studying his expression.

"It was never my decision to make, it's always been yours." She looked at him sharply, discerning the full meaning behind his words.

"You never told me how you felt. I tried, so many times but you pushed me away." He could see the hurt in her eyes and hated himself for having been the cause of it.

"I couldn't. Not just because I wasn't allowed too, I couldn't put you under that kind of pressure. That's exactly why the regs are there in the first place. I couldn't take advantage of you."

"And my hero worship?" she smiled, taking the sting from her words.

"Yeah that too. God knows what you found to worship," he commented wryly.

"More than you could ever see."

She was right. He could never, would never see any good in himself, too much had happened for him to think any differently. But she had seen something different, something more.

"I understand why you did it, but...I don't want you to anymore." Jack's breath caught in his throat as the world seemed to stand still.

"You know that we're can't..."

"I know," she interrupted him. "I'm not asking for anything. But I don't want to run the risk of us losing each other again."

"You won't," he promised. He stopped her with a hand on her arm, turning her to face him. He met her gaze and held it and, for the first time in a long time, allowed himself to become lost in their blue azure depths. "One day, things will be different." He promised, pouring all of his feelings into those words.

"One day," she whispered

He nodded once and turned away, attempting to regain control.

He felt her hand slip into his as they walked back towards the house.

"You want to call Daniel and Teal'c or shall I?" She smiled at him, a genuine smile which reached her eyes.

Slowly, she removed her hand and went inside. He watched her move gracefully around his home and, as he felt the warmth from his hand flow through him, held their promise close.

"One Day"


End file.
